I tried everything. Reinstalling the OS, wiping with JL_Cmder, even holding down the volume keys while tapping the "Mute" button in a secret rhythm I found on a CrackBerry forum at 2 AM. Nothing worked. The phone was a brick. A $600, executive-killing brick.
As of January 4, 2022, BlackBerry infrastructure for legacy devices is officially offline. Firmware Change Update on BLACKBERRY Bold 9700